It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
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