tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
