the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
The air was thick with penises
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I still have a little drunk in my system
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
