I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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