I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
