New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
