My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
