Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
God gave him joint rollers for hands
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
