you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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