I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
