the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
