I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
