see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize