Did you just see the Batmobile???
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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