apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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