You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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