I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
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