Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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