Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize
