I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
