It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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