dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
