You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
