giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
