3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
