i need an iv and a liver transplant
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize