Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
