I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Vodka?
Forever.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
