I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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