A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
