Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Randomize
