saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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