I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
