I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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