4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Dick very happy bro
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I need to align my fucking chakras
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
