believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
