New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
