Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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