"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
