just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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