walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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