The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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