My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
