Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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