I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
