Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize