my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
