I bet he comes in French.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
