I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
