she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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