I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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