If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
