please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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