mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
