it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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