Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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