I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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