im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
