Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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