u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
