my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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