The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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