WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
We talked him into tasing himself.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
