you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
